This was probably one of the most emotional days I've ever experienced. I had to allow myself to feel pain about my adoption situation.
Sure, I've gone to the parent classes and have spoken to parents interested in overseas adoption. That's a piece of cake! But to sit across from young women (Korean women at that), who have decided to relinquish their babies; and put them up for overseas adoption...what was I going to say to them? What were they going to want to know? What would I be able to say to give them comfort?
(This woman fled from North Korea, and gave birth 9 days before we were there to twin girls! She is 30-years-old.)
(this gal also fled from North Korea, she is 25-years-old and is expecting in a month)
Dr. Cho started to tell us about each of the girls. The first, was a young woman who got pregnant by her boyfriend. He wanted her to have an abortion, but she chose not to and to keep the birth of her daughter a secret from him. (She's the gal in the top picture in the purple t-shirt). The second girl became pregnant because her boss sexually assaulted her. There is a lawsuit that is pending...she had a boy. (She's the gal making the "peace" sign). The third girl (in the glasses) is the youngest in the home right now, she's 18. She came in a little late, so we never heard her story.
As Dr. Cho told us about each of their situations, the girls began to cry...which of course made me cry, and then Amanda, and then her parents. And that was the beginning of the tissue box being passed around the table for the next hour.
The questions they asked were valid concerns, and I was glad Mr. & Mrs. Merton were there to answer some of them for these women. They asked if adoptive parents support searching for birth family? Mrs. Merton explained to the women that parents want their children to find out as much as they can about their birth mother. And if someday they are able to find their birth mother, the parents are always willing to create a relationship with them.
One of the women asked if we feel shame towards our birth mother's for giving us up? I looked across the table at the red-eyed young woman that asked the question, and I said, "absolutely not...never...what my birth mother did for me was not only to give me a better life, but it was the most unselfish act out of pure love for me." At this point the young woman began to cry, and I did too.
I told these young women that no matter what happens to their child, they will ALWAYS love you and want to know you. I told them there will always be a piece of our heart that's missing...and only the love of their birth mother can fill it.
I told them because there is no information about me - no name, no birth date, no location where I was found...I most likely will NEVER get the chance to meet my birth mother. So I wanted to take that opportunity to thank each of them for the difficult decision they're making, because I won't be able to thank my birth mother for the sacrifice she made for me. TEARS, TEARS and more TEARS...I could barely speak these words. Words I have never said out loud before, let alone in front of perfect strangers.
They asked about racism and growing up in a different country? I told them my childhood was difficult, because I am from a different generation. There were no heritage camps, no motherland tours to Korea, no other kids that looked like me during my childhood. But now children adopted from Korea have parents that understand the importance of sustaining their heritage - through camps, friends and motherland trips. The Merton's added that when they began the adoption process, they were told to save for the adoption costs and save for the pending trip to Korea.
I felt such a strong connection with these young women. A connection you can't really put into words. They were doing something so incredible, so unselfish, and so emotionally difficult...and having been a product of that kind of love was an amazing experience for me. One I will never forget for as long as I live.
At the end of the session, everyone got up and we gave each of these girls big, long hugs. We held them in our arms and cried with them, for them, for the pending heartache of letting go of their child. We said our good-bye's, with a respectful bow; and they were gone...
Dr. Cho came over to me and gave me a big hug and said, "are you okay?" I told her I was okay...I was emotionally drained, but glad I had the opporunity to experience this amazing exchange of emotions with these women.
As I first said, it was the most emotional day I've ever experienced. I've always known that meeting my brith mother is virtually impossible with what little information there is about me. But to have to articulate that most likely the day will never come that I get to thank my birth mother for the sacrifice she made was difficult for me. I have to admit however, having the opporunity to thank these young ladies for what they're going to do for their children; was a nice consolation prize (if you will)...
